Tries..

I've said I will change so many times I can hardly ever believe myself. I have a hard time when I walk out of the church walls to stick to what promises I made to myself while in there. This time. This time I don't want it to be the same as the other times, I want it to be different. I really want to get over these addictions because they are tearing me apart. I'm not going to go into them but please pray for me with them. I have been 3 days and this has been the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. It doesn't really help when I fail with everything else I do, but I know one thing is for sure I will NOT go back to the "hidden lifestyle" I had, and waste God's time with me. I don't see how he can love me all that he loves me. It just blows my mind, I mean I constantly sin against him, and he loves me still.. I just.. am in all astonishment. His love really is never failing.

Today was probably one of the worst days out of the 3 days. Normally, when I have a bad day I come home and escape, but I couldn't do that. I had to come home and do something different. Of course, I chose to spend my time with Jesus. In the spiritual sense, I loved being in His presence all afternoon. In the flesh, I want to go back, but I know with God I can overcome anything and everything. Progress isn't measured by whether or not you have beat something in a long term scale but if you win the daily battles.

Dear Jesus,
I am so thankful that you have still loved me even though I have turned against you, and walked away, and you stood there with open arms waiting on me to come back. I am so thankful that you opened my eyes on Sunday and made me want to change my ways for good. I ask one thing, and that is for strength. Strength to overcome this battle, and when a negative thought pops into my mind, I pray that you help me change it so I can overcome this battle. Thank you so much for loving me, and never stopping. I can't even express how much it means. I hope that you accept my apology for turning against you and running in the opposite way, which no one knew about but me and You. Thank you for putting me through all these struggles and trails, and I hope one day you can put me where I am supposed to, so I can testify the goodness that you have, are doing, and are going to do in my life. Thank you for putting the people in my life that I have because if it wasn't for them then I have no idea where I would be God..
-Your Daughter.

I don't understand.

I don't understand how you can say you love me. I don't understand how you can treat me the way you do. I don't understand what goes through your mind when you talk to me that way or do that stuff to me. I don't understand how you can treat MY family like you do. I don't understand why you left. I don't understand why you do what you do. How can you say that you missed me and wanted to see me when you contacted me once at 3 and then I didn't hear from you again til 7. How can you say you miss me when I get to see you all you do is sit on your phone or go outside or sleep. Good grief I miss our family. I miss how things were, before everything went raw. I don't know why God is putting us through this and why you can't get your act together but this is just something to let you know that I miss you and even though I don't like you, I love you and I hope with all my heart that you change your ways and we can get how we used to be. I miss having the OLD you around. I miss the late night snack runs to the convenient store.
- Ally

Last night..

I went to church and I have never felt the amount of guilt and un-holiness to worship God. I have felt like this before but never to this extent. I feel as if I should just not go back to church anymore. I know that God casts my sin as far as the east is from the west, but I don't know. I just wish this feeling of guilt and shame would leave.

Eyes..

Eyes most people refer to these as an organ or just something you can see with, but little do they know that eyes hold something more meaningful. I see a girl who is wanting to be loved and accepted, another one wanting to be noticed. I see a guy who is trying so hard to fit in he just can't seem to make it on being in the "cool group". I see a girl who doesn't understand how absolutely beautiful she is, another one who has so little self confidence, she has to put other people down. I see a mom who is worried she won't be able to support her family. I see a lady who is so strong, and fights and has fought hard for it. I see a girl who is desperately trying, yet she just can't seem to do enough. A girl, who is trying to figure herself out, yet doesn't know where to begin. A boy who is so secure in himself and his relationship with God, he doesn't care what he does he is himself. I see a girl who is trying to hard to fit in, and if she would be herself, we could love her. I see a girl who is so afraid of letting someone down and being correct, she drives herself to the point of tears.. daily. I see the Muslim lady who just wants acceptance and friendship. I see the homeless guy who has the eyes of nothing but regret, and shame. I see the pregnant teenage girl, full of hurt and happiness, and not knowing which one to show. I see the single mom and or dad who is raising kids on one income and not knowing how they are going to make it to next paycheck. I see a husband getting on the plane not knowing when he is coming back.. or if he will make it back. The girl who begs people with her eyes to keep her from going home and doing something that she can't take back, but no one gives her the time of day. What do you see when you look in the eyes of the people you see every day?

I can say I can say it.

NO.

There I said it.. Now, why can't I say it when I need to. Ugh, It's so irritating, I know I don't need to and I need to stop but I just can't say no. I will.. eventually.

I'm running to your arms.

So, tonight I have done some real soul searching I guess you could call it. I wanted to truly find out why I can talk to a guy for like 2 days and fall head over hills like I have been there and known them for forever. I think I found it out, and I think I have known this for a while, but it clearly was revealed to myself tonight. I try to hide all my feelings and hurts away and cover them with temporary good things and avoiding the actual problem.

I don't know what to put here....

You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
-Matthew West