I have been missing my grandmother's soo much. I miss the way they would hug me and the bond. I miss my Nana because when I needed to cry I could get up there in her big chair with her and just cry, and she'd hold me. I miss being held like I meant something to someone. I miss my meme, I miss the smile she'd give me when I walked in there. I miss going to get my nails done with meme and we'd laugh the whole time. I wish I would have taken more time with them and take their presence more heavily. I wish I could have a hug like theirs. I miss Nana squeezing my cheek and giving me a kiss on it, leaving that bright red lipstick on my cheek.
I don't understand why I had to loose both of my grandmothers before graduation. My kids will never get to meet their grandmothers. They will just have pictures and stories that I tell them. Gosh, I hope they get to meet Daddy Steve and that nothing happens to him before graduation. I know that this sounds bad but I dread the months that happen when school starts. July my dad left last year. August of my 10th grade year my Nana died. September of 11th grade my Meme died. It's just a continuous month to month thing. I am not looking forward to October because something might happen.
I sometimes wish that there was no heartbreak, nor death, nor abandonment in life, but then why would we need God. If everything was so good and dandy we wouldn't ever feel like we needed Him. Struggles is when you find yourself and when you find out exactly who God is. I wish I knew what God has in plan for me. Why am I so tenderhearted? Why do I love animals, which is weird? Why can't I ever seem to feel accepted anywhere I go? Why did my dad leave? Why does my mom have to have everything on her?
I'm hurting pretty bad today, and last night probably wasn't the best night. One day I will realize why all this is happening but right now, I have no idea. I just have to believe and have faith that God knows what He is doing. As for right now, taking it one day at a time is probably the best thing I can do..
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Necesito un abrazo ... No me preguntéis ... No digas nada ... solo me abrazo!
I need a hug... Don't question me... Don't say anything... just hug me.
For a long time now I've been wondering about one of my relatives and what happened to her, and tonight I found her case file online. I was not expecting to find it since it was such a long time ago, and that people probably already forgot about it. I found the case files online(much much work and investigation might I add). It broke my heart in many ways. 1: That the relative was killed. 2: the killer was my age. 3: some of the details from the case 4: that my family had to go through that. I wish I wouldn't have had to search for this because it upset me a lot. I never got to know her, she was killed WAY before I would ever had been though of, but I still wonder what she was like. Yes, she was only 6 but like what was her favorite color? or did she have a favorite barbie? As I was investigating, I found a cousin of hers on facebook. I wanted to message her about the relative, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to do anything to hurt her, so I'm not going to ask. Well, there is my detective story, and I think I did pretty good :)
For a long time now I've been wondering about one of my relatives and what happened to her, and tonight I found her case file online. I was not expecting to find it since it was such a long time ago, and that people probably already forgot about it. I found the case files online(much much work and investigation might I add). It broke my heart in many ways. 1: That the relative was killed. 2: the killer was my age. 3: some of the details from the case 4: that my family had to go through that. I wish I wouldn't have had to search for this because it upset me a lot. I never got to know her, she was killed WAY before I would ever had been though of, but I still wonder what she was like. Yes, she was only 6 but like what was her favorite color? or did she have a favorite barbie? As I was investigating, I found a cousin of hers on facebook. I wanted to message her about the relative, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to do anything to hurt her, so I'm not going to ask. Well, there is my detective story, and I think I did pretty good :)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
July 17, 2011
(this is basically a summary of both Sunday Schools & sermon.. some of them I can remember where it was told some of it I can't so I basically summarized it all.
I went with a friend to First Baptist Church in Valley. Tonight's service was about the mercy of God , and how we can be changed by it. I don't remember the whole conversation or how this got started up but the youth minister asked us this question: "Do you believe that God is powerful or do you believe God is POWERful?" For some reason this question hit me like a ton of bricks. I then began to think.. I believe in a God, who a) created everything and everyone b) created all the people in HIS image c) sent HIS ONE and ONLY son to die for OUR sins d) He forgives me even though I don't deserve it e) craves a relationship with us, even if we turn away
back to the points.. God created us in HIS image, that means that we don't need to worry about what people think about us, say about us, nor should it matter how big or small you are so on.. God and our relationship defines us, not what "they" think..
... sent HIS ONE and ONLY son to die for OUR sins.. now tell me, how that is not loving and caring. How many other "gods" have done something that big? none, that I can think of (correct me if I'm wrong though)..
... forgives me even though I KNOW I don't deserve it.. tonight a very interesting question was asked "If you don't forgive someone, do you go to hell?" In response the youth pastor answered "I don't have the right to answer this.. but I know that personal experience when I have had someone do wrong to me I think about how forgiving my God is and how we are supposed to be like Him because he dwells in us. I can only forgive that person, because God can forgive me for my sins that put his son on the cross. God didn't make us like puppets or robots so we have choices."
.. craves a relationship even if we run away.. God never leaves.. God is ALWAYS there even if you don't feel him with you.. I saw a quote in Alaska that said: If you only see one set of footprints in the sand, that is because I am carrying you." - Jesus
That quote just blew me away.. Why? Because in the bible the Sheppard's would search for that one missing sheep and leave the other ones behind, and when he found the lost sheep he would break it's leg so it couldn't walk and that way they'd learn not to leave the sheppards's side. God has to break us down and bring us to rock bottom that way we will grow closer to Him and He will carry us when we can't move/ or go on, on our own.
We broke down mercy and had a meaning to each letter.. Letter "R" was remember what God has saved you from. Youth Pastor "Now, this doesn't mean to go on dwelling in the past everyday and bring up everything, remember where you were before you became a Christian and after you came a christian." and instantly the song "Family Tree" by Matthew West started playing in my head:
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they’ve handed down?
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
I know I am one to love and care and forgive for someone, but I never.. ever forget. I am weary at first but slowly open up. Just tonight, I faced a *HUGE* stepping stone in facing fears, and I hope that this stepping stone keeps pushing me to move on.
This was a whole lot of babbling I know, but I couldn't figure out how to put everything in there that I wanted.. so here it is.
I went with a friend to First Baptist Church in Valley. Tonight's service was about the mercy of God , and how we can be changed by it. I don't remember the whole conversation or how this got started up but the youth minister asked us this question: "Do you believe that God is powerful or do you believe God is POWERful?" For some reason this question hit me like a ton of bricks. I then began to think.. I believe in a God, who a) created everything and everyone b) created all the people in HIS image c) sent HIS ONE and ONLY son to die for OUR sins d) He forgives me even though I don't deserve it e) craves a relationship with us, even if we turn away
back to the points.. God created us in HIS image, that means that we don't need to worry about what people think about us, say about us, nor should it matter how big or small you are so on.. God and our relationship defines us, not what "they" think..
... sent HIS ONE and ONLY son to die for OUR sins.. now tell me, how that is not loving and caring. How many other "gods" have done something that big? none, that I can think of (correct me if I'm wrong though)..
... forgives me even though I KNOW I don't deserve it.. tonight a very interesting question was asked "If you don't forgive someone, do you go to hell?" In response the youth pastor answered "I don't have the right to answer this.. but I know that personal experience when I have had someone do wrong to me I think about how forgiving my God is and how we are supposed to be like Him because he dwells in us. I can only forgive that person, because God can forgive me for my sins that put his son on the cross. God didn't make us like puppets or robots so we have choices."
.. craves a relationship even if we run away.. God never leaves.. God is ALWAYS there even if you don't feel him with you.. I saw a quote in Alaska that said: If you only see one set of footprints in the sand, that is because I am carrying you." - Jesus
That quote just blew me away.. Why? Because in the bible the Sheppard's would search for that one missing sheep and leave the other ones behind, and when he found the lost sheep he would break it's leg so it couldn't walk and that way they'd learn not to leave the sheppards's side. God has to break us down and bring us to rock bottom that way we will grow closer to Him and He will carry us when we can't move/ or go on, on our own.
We broke down mercy and had a meaning to each letter.. Letter "R" was remember what God has saved you from. Youth Pastor "Now, this doesn't mean to go on dwelling in the past everyday and bring up everything, remember where you were before you became a Christian and after you came a christian." and instantly the song "Family Tree" by Matthew West started playing in my head:
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they’ve handed down?
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
I know I am one to love and care and forgive for someone, but I never.. ever forget. I am weary at first but slowly open up. Just tonight, I faced a *HUGE* stepping stone in facing fears, and I hope that this stepping stone keeps pushing me to move on.
This was a whole lot of babbling I know, but I couldn't figure out how to put everything in there that I wanted.. so here it is.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)