Change.

I never thought it’d happen to me. I never thought I would get the statement your dad left. I can never keep it out of my mind that if I would have done something different it wouldn’t be this way. If I wouldn’t have wanted to go to a public school then change to a private school. If I would have stayed where I was would everything have been okay? Would my Nana still be alive if dad and mommy would have stayed together? Would Meme still be alive if Wendy and Jimmy wouldn’t have gotten killed? Would she still be alive if I had not gone to see that stupid movie The Last Exorcism? Would she still want me as a friend if I wouldn’t have spoken my mind? I wish I was smarter. I wish I could figure these things out. They haunt me day in and day out. I wish they would be answered. Everyone tells me everything happens for a reason.. If I take that into context then I was punished for going to see the last exorcism so my Meme died. If I take that into context I doubted and lost faith in God then a day before my Nana died I gave everything to God. What if I had done that one day sooner? Would she still be here? I miss having a grandmother. I know I have a granddad that is good beyond measure but still.. Sometimes I miss that female talk between grandmother and granddaughter. Like going to get manicures and pedicures together; going shopping for your grandfather a present. I know I am looking at the negatives but I just don’t understand sometimes. Maybe this is my time in waiting for God to show. Maybe this is a punishment for not going to church and pulling away from God because I don’t want to get hurt. Maybe just maybe if I quit thinking nothing would hurt as much. People say: I don’t understand why you are so hurt about your parents splitting and all I want to say is because they are my parents. Yes, it is a whole lot better around the house, yes its better with the stress level. But, no it’s not okay inside. I feel hurt, I feel like there is no hope in marriage because it’s just going to end in divorce. Every time I get a rejection from a guy it hurts ten times worse because all I want it a relationship. There. I said it. I want someone to love me for me. not because they are family. I want someone to choose to look passed the face; to look passed the outside to look passed how long my hair is. I want someone to see how I am on the inside. People always say I choose the ugliest guys. Yeah, I do because most of the time the most attractive ones are snobby and stuck up because they think that just because they are hot they have to have the “hot” girls; the ones who are a size 0, who have blonde hair, who are not too tall, who have big boobs, and have perfectly straight hair. Well you know what I don’t have any of that. Nope, so I get punished because all these guys are so dumb that they want the outside; and it irritates me. I know I am supposed to wait for God to give me a guy when I am ready; but it just makes me so jealous that all these pretty girls get any guy they want. I want a guy to look at me and say you’re beautiful. I want a guy to love me. I guess I just have to wait. It’s extremely hard.. unfortunately. I wish I would have never had a boyfriend so I wouldn’t know what it was like. I remember dating a non-Christian and my dad getting mad at me for breaking up with him. He said that it was marriage that you’re not supposed to be unequally yoked. It upset me that he didn’t support my decision. Sometimes I think that it is so cool just to have a mom and brother in the house, but I miss the number 4. Four cups to eat with, four plates, four chairs. It’s so different. Everything is changing and I don’t know if I like it yet.

I wonder..

I wonder where all this is going to end at one day. I wonder why all these tears are shed and all the times I wish that I could go back and put a patch and heal my parents. I wonder where the ending of friendships will lead me one day. I wonder why I am at Trinity. I wonder why I am such a sensitive person and I can cry at the sight of someone falling and scraping their knee. I am constantly told that I need to grow up and stop being so sensitive; but that is who I am so how can I stop it. I wonder what the reason of going on the computer and typing all this stuff will do for me in the end. I wonder who actually cares what I think. I wonder if he ever really did care about me or did he just say it. I wonder if he ever meant what he said. I wonder if relationships ever can be truly mended. I wonder if sarcasm will ever be taken as sarcasm from me. I wonder if one day I will ever be able to share my opinion on something and not hold back. I wonder what is so great about love. I mean the divorce rate is 50% in the U.S. I wonder if the vows you take are ever really true. I wonder if there is anyone out there who is willing to do anything for you. I wonder if the past is ever really a past. I wonder if there will ever be a day without drama. I wonder if there really is compassion in the world. I wonder if there really is someone out there just for me. I wonder if friends ever stay friends forever; or are they a lie to get what they want. I wonder if dreams really do come true. I wonder if “don’t tell anyone” ever works. I wonder if you can really trust anyone. I wonder do counselors all think you are crazy and just do their job to get in other people’s business. I wonder does growing up ever scare anyone but me. I wonder if college is as scary and hard as people make it out to be. I wonder what happens after graduation. I wonder how you get a job as a CSI. I wonder what it’s like to be in a job. I wonder what really matters.

I wonder..

I wonder where all this is going to end at one day. I wonder why all these tears are shed and all the times I wish that I could go back and put a patch and heal my parents. I wonder where the ending of friendships will lead me one day. I wonder why I am at Trinity. I wonder why I am such a sensitive person and I can cry at the sight of someone falling and scraping their knee. I am constantly told that I need to grow up and stop being so sensitive; but that is who I am so how can I stop it. I wonder what the reason of going on the computer and typing all this stuff will do for me in the end. I wonder who actually cares what I think. I wonder if he ever really did care about me or did he just say it. I wonder if he ever meant what he said. I wonder if relationships ever can be truly mended. I wonder if sarcasm will ever be taken as sarcasm from me. I wonder if one day I will ever be able to share my opinion on something and not hold back. I wonder what is so great about love. I mean the divorce rate is 50% in the U.S. I wonder if the vows you take are ever really true. I wonder if there is anyone out there who is willing to do anything for you. I wonder if the past is ever really a past. I wonder if there will ever be a day without drama. I wonder if there really is compassion in the world. I wonder if there really is someone out there just for me. I wonder if friends ever stay friends forever; or are they a lie to get what they want. I wonder if dreams really do come true. I wonder if “don’t tell anyone” ever works. I wonder if you can really trust anyone. I wonder do counselors all think you are crazy and just do their job to get in other people’s business. I wonder does growing up ever scare anyone but me. I wonder if college is as scary and hard as people make it out to be. I wonder what happens after graduation. I wonder how you get a job as a CSI. I wonder what it’s like to be in a job. I wonder what really matters.

Confrontation

How do you deal with someone who doesn't take confrontation well, at all; yet, they are hurting you more and more each and everyday. With things they say, to little comments about something.. I don't know what to do!

Word..

I used to believe in coincidences, but now I know everything happens for a reason. Tonight, I really didn’t want to stay at home, and just wanted to do something. One of my best friends has been begging me to come back to church. So, I decide to take that option up and go to church thinking, oh I haven’t seen everyone it will be good to see my friends. Earlier this week I had already been thinking I needed to start picking up my Bible reading and making that step. Well, of course God had already planned on our sermon to be about getting in His word and letting God reveal himself to you and that you need to obey His word.

Psalm 119:97- Oh, how I love your instructions! I think about them all day long.

Psalm 119:98- Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for I am always thinking of your law.

Psalm 119:105- Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.

And then, they opened up service today by having a cookie eating, milk drinking contest. It got pretty gross and I didn’t feel like feeling sick tonight so, I started to read the Bible. I came across this verse

Psalm 119:50- Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles.

To think, I sit there and question where God is in all this and to wonder how this can come out to any good. God didn’t say that you wouldn’t have suffering; Jesus had suffering what makes us better than Jesus?

Homesick.

This morning as I was studying and listening to my music the song Homesick came on; which was the song that was played at my grandmother’s funeral. It’s pretty cool how yesterday I asked my cousin to tell me more about my grandmother since I never got to really meet her, I just knew how she was after she contracted the horrible disease. Which now, that I think about it, I am glad she got Alzheimer’s because if she hadn’t she would still be in the emotional state she was 20 years ago when her son and step-daughter were killed four years apart. Even though I never really knew her, knowing her while I could was one of the best privileges I could have ever had. She never once complained about how achy her joints were, or how uncomfortable she was when we were trying to move her. She had the best personality a woman in that state could have. Every morning I was there this summer I would take her a pudding and a Pedia-sure shake, and there she would be waiting with that big, beautiful smile. My cousin said that she was always the light of the party, and I would believe it. Her smile was soo bright. The care keeper we had said the last day she saw her (which was a Thursday, she died Saturday) she was already raising her hands up to the sky like she was seeing God.  I miss her a whole bunch. I miss the fact of having a grandmother to go shopping with and to just lie down on the bed and watch soap operas with or watch the news with. I miss that but, I know for a fact both of them are better off where they are because of the pain they were in their last couple of days.  But, I have one of the best granddads anyone could ask for. I love him to death and would do anything for him.