Tries..

I've said I will change so many times I can hardly ever believe myself. I have a hard time when I walk out of the church walls to stick to what promises I made to myself while in there. This time. This time I don't want it to be the same as the other times, I want it to be different. I really want to get over these addictions because they are tearing me apart. I'm not going to go into them but please pray for me with them. I have been 3 days and this has been the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. It doesn't really help when I fail with everything else I do, but I know one thing is for sure I will NOT go back to the "hidden lifestyle" I had, and waste God's time with me. I don't see how he can love me all that he loves me. It just blows my mind, I mean I constantly sin against him, and he loves me still.. I just.. am in all astonishment. His love really is never failing.

Today was probably one of the worst days out of the 3 days. Normally, when I have a bad day I come home and escape, but I couldn't do that. I had to come home and do something different. Of course, I chose to spend my time with Jesus. In the spiritual sense, I loved being in His presence all afternoon. In the flesh, I want to go back, but I know with God I can overcome anything and everything. Progress isn't measured by whether or not you have beat something in a long term scale but if you win the daily battles.

Dear Jesus,
I am so thankful that you have still loved me even though I have turned against you, and walked away, and you stood there with open arms waiting on me to come back. I am so thankful that you opened my eyes on Sunday and made me want to change my ways for good. I ask one thing, and that is for strength. Strength to overcome this battle, and when a negative thought pops into my mind, I pray that you help me change it so I can overcome this battle. Thank you so much for loving me, and never stopping. I can't even express how much it means. I hope that you accept my apology for turning against you and running in the opposite way, which no one knew about but me and You. Thank you for putting me through all these struggles and trails, and I hope one day you can put me where I am supposed to, so I can testify the goodness that you have, are doing, and are going to do in my life. Thank you for putting the people in my life that I have because if it wasn't for them then I have no idea where I would be God..
-Your Daughter.

I don't understand.

I don't understand how you can say you love me. I don't understand how you can treat me the way you do. I don't understand what goes through your mind when you talk to me that way or do that stuff to me. I don't understand how you can treat MY family like you do. I don't understand why you left. I don't understand why you do what you do. How can you say that you missed me and wanted to see me when you contacted me once at 3 and then I didn't hear from you again til 7. How can you say you miss me when I get to see you all you do is sit on your phone or go outside or sleep. Good grief I miss our family. I miss how things were, before everything went raw. I don't know why God is putting us through this and why you can't get your act together but this is just something to let you know that I miss you and even though I don't like you, I love you and I hope with all my heart that you change your ways and we can get how we used to be. I miss having the OLD you around. I miss the late night snack runs to the convenient store.
- Ally

Last night..

I went to church and I have never felt the amount of guilt and un-holiness to worship God. I have felt like this before but never to this extent. I feel as if I should just not go back to church anymore. I know that God casts my sin as far as the east is from the west, but I don't know. I just wish this feeling of guilt and shame would leave.

Eyes..

Eyes most people refer to these as an organ or just something you can see with, but little do they know that eyes hold something more meaningful. I see a girl who is wanting to be loved and accepted, another one wanting to be noticed. I see a guy who is trying so hard to fit in he just can't seem to make it on being in the "cool group". I see a girl who doesn't understand how absolutely beautiful she is, another one who has so little self confidence, she has to put other people down. I see a mom who is worried she won't be able to support her family. I see a lady who is so strong, and fights and has fought hard for it. I see a girl who is desperately trying, yet she just can't seem to do enough. A girl, who is trying to figure herself out, yet doesn't know where to begin. A boy who is so secure in himself and his relationship with God, he doesn't care what he does he is himself. I see a girl who is trying to hard to fit in, and if she would be herself, we could love her. I see a girl who is so afraid of letting someone down and being correct, she drives herself to the point of tears.. daily. I see the Muslim lady who just wants acceptance and friendship. I see the homeless guy who has the eyes of nothing but regret, and shame. I see the pregnant teenage girl, full of hurt and happiness, and not knowing which one to show. I see the single mom and or dad who is raising kids on one income and not knowing how they are going to make it to next paycheck. I see a husband getting on the plane not knowing when he is coming back.. or if he will make it back. The girl who begs people with her eyes to keep her from going home and doing something that she can't take back, but no one gives her the time of day. What do you see when you look in the eyes of the people you see every day?

I can say I can say it.

NO.

There I said it.. Now, why can't I say it when I need to. Ugh, It's so irritating, I know I don't need to and I need to stop but I just can't say no. I will.. eventually.

I'm running to your arms.

So, tonight I have done some real soul searching I guess you could call it. I wanted to truly find out why I can talk to a guy for like 2 days and fall head over hills like I have been there and known them for forever. I think I found it out, and I think I have known this for a while, but it clearly was revealed to myself tonight. I try to hide all my feelings and hurts away and cover them with temporary good things and avoiding the actual problem.

I don't know what to put here....

You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
-Matthew West

Forever Reign..

Jesus I'm running to Your arms. I'm running to your arms.

just please catch me.

I have always known..

I have always known that I would never be one of the drop dead gorgeous girls since I was about
7th grade. I never enjoyed dressing nice nor did I enjoy being the girly type. I liked blue jeans,t-shirt, and my hair in a bun; and that is how I dressed daily. I've never really thought I was pretty or anything, I've just told myself that I had a big heart and that is what mattered because eventually looks will fade. Even though I have totally accepted the fact that I'm not beautiful on the outside, it still totally hurts my feelings when someone makes a bad face at me. Example: Tonight on the way home out to eat a boy in the truck beside me looked in my truck, put is pointer finger to his open mouth and made the gagging face. This isn't the first time this has happened, it happens quite often, especially on chatting websites. I guess all that I am trying to get across is for once I wish that someone would call me beautiful.. and mean it. Yes, I know it doesn't matter what people think but I guess it would be a self confidence booster, but I shouldn't have to worry about what people think or worry about how I look but it's SO hard to try to be different from the world.. All I guess I want is acceptance..

Tonight, I was talking about pageants with my mom and she made the comment that if I ever tried to do one of those I would win.. If only that was the truth.. lol

Well..

In the past two days I have been called a disgrace to humans, ugly, deformed, fat, stupid.. and the list could keep going. I wish I could act all high and mighty saying that it doesn't bother me, but I can't. It hurt my feelings.. a lot.. I just know that they have nothing else to do but talk about other people and are no life's..

What a great way to start out the week.. nsm

On a good note, I might get my brace of Wednesday. WOOOO :D

Reminiscing..

I have been missing my grandmother's soo much. I miss the way they would hug me and the bond. I miss my Nana because when I needed to cry I could get up there in her big chair with her and just cry, and she'd hold me. I miss being held like I meant something to someone. I miss my meme, I miss the smile she'd give me when I walked in there. I miss going to get my nails done with meme and we'd laugh the whole time. I wish I would have taken more time with them and take their presence more heavily. I wish I could have a hug like theirs. I miss Nana squeezing my cheek and giving me a kiss on it, leaving that bright red lipstick on my cheek.

I don't understand why I had to loose both of my grandmothers before graduation. My kids will never get to meet their grandmothers. They will just have pictures and stories that I tell them. Gosh, I hope they get to meet Daddy Steve and that nothing happens to him before graduation. I know that this sounds bad but I dread the months that happen when school starts. July my dad left last year. August of my 10th grade year my Nana died. September of 11th grade my Meme died. It's just a continuous month to month thing. I am not looking forward to October because something might happen.

I sometimes wish that there was no heartbreak, nor death, nor abandonment in life, but then why would we need God. If everything was so good and dandy we wouldn't ever feel like we needed Him. Struggles is when you find yourself and when you find out exactly who God is. I wish I knew what God has in plan for me. Why am I so tenderhearted? Why do I love animals, which is weird? Why can't I ever seem to feel accepted anywhere I go? Why did my dad leave? Why does my mom have to have everything on her?

I'm hurting pretty bad today, and last night probably wasn't the best night. One day I will realize why all this is happening but right now, I have no idea. I just have to believe and have faith that God knows what He is doing. As for right now, taking it one day at a time is probably the best thing I can do..

Necesito un abrazo ... No me preguntéis ... No digas nada ... solo me abrazo!

I need a hug... Don't question me... Don't say anything... just hug me.

For a long time now I've been wondering about one of my relatives and what happened to her, and tonight I found her case file online. I was not expecting to find it since it was such a long time ago, and that people probably already forgot about it. I found the case files online(much much work and investigation might I add). It broke my heart in many ways. 1: That the relative was killed. 2: the killer was my age. 3: some of the details from the case 4: that my family had to go through that. I wish I wouldn't have had to search for this because it upset me a lot. I never got to know her, she was killed WAY before I would ever had been though of, but I still wonder what she was like. Yes, she was only 6 but like what was her favorite color? or did she have a favorite barbie? As I was investigating, I found a cousin of hers on facebook. I wanted to message her about the relative, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to do anything to hurt her, so I'm not going to ask. Well, there is my detective story, and I think I did pretty good :)

July 17, 2011

(this is basically a summary of both Sunday Schools & sermon.. some of them I can remember where it was told some of it I can't so I basically summarized it all.

I went with a friend to First Baptist Church in Valley. Tonight's service was about the mercy of God , and how we can be changed by it. I don't remember the whole conversation or how this got started up but the youth minister asked us this question: "Do you believe that God is powerful or do you believe God is POWERful?" For some reason this question hit me like a ton of bricks. I then began to think.. I believe in a God, who a) created everything and everyone b) created all the people in HIS image c) sent HIS ONE and ONLY son to die for OUR sins d) He forgives me even though I don't deserve it e) craves a relationship with us, even if we turn away

back to the points.. God created us in HIS image, that means that we don't need to worry about what people think about us, say about us, nor should it matter how big or small you are so on.. God and our relationship defines us, not what "they" think..


... sent HIS ONE and ONLY son to die for OUR sins.. now tell me, how that is not loving and caring. How many other "gods" have done something that big? none, that I can think of (correct me if I'm wrong though)..

... forgives me even though I KNOW I don't deserve it.. tonight a very interesting question was asked "If you don't forgive someone, do you go to hell?" In response the youth pastor answered "I don't have the right to answer this.. but I know that personal experience when I have had someone do wrong to me I think about how forgiving my God is and how we are supposed to be like Him because he dwells in us. I can only forgive that person, because God can forgive me for my sins that put his son on the cross. God didn't make us like puppets or robots so we have choices."

.. craves a relationship even if we run away.. God never leaves.. God is ALWAYS there even if you don't feel him with you.. I saw a quote in Alaska that said: If you only see one set of footprints in the sand, that is because I am carrying you." - Jesus
That quote just blew me away.. Why? Because in the bible the Sheppard's would search for that one missing sheep and leave the other ones behind, and when he found the lost sheep he would break it's leg so it couldn't walk and that way they'd learn not to leave the sheppards's side. God has to break us down and bring us to rock bottom that way we will grow closer to Him and He will carry us when we can't move/ or go on, on our own.

We broke down mercy and had a meaning to each letter.. Letter "R" was remember what God has saved you from. Youth Pastor "Now, this doesn't mean to go on dwelling in the past everyday and bring up everything, remember where you were before you became a Christian and after you came a christian." and instantly the song "Family Tree" by Matthew West started playing in my head:

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they’ve handed down?
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you

I know I am one to love and care and forgive for someone, but I never.. ever forget. I am weary at first but slowly open up. Just tonight, I faced a *HUGE* stepping stone in facing fears, and I hope that this stepping stone keeps pushing me to move on.

This was a whole lot of babbling I know, but I couldn't figure out how to put everything in there that I wanted.. so here it is.

Alaska.

Tonight probably has been the hardest night of being home. At church, our service was about going out and ministering and not just having a population of just one in our lives but expanding it to more than one. We played the song "Population One" by Matthew West, and I just lost it.

I miss the mission trip. I miss the kids, I miss the excitement of waking up and realizing that I get to go out and do something incredible for God. I got to show Jesus to the kids I came in contact with. I miss the laughing of the children, and the giggles. I miss the chalk being all over me after drawing on the ground. I miss the dirt between my toes because of the playground. I miss the 2 year old class when they made the biggest mess, or the dirtiest diaper. I miss seeing smiles over candy, or a coloring page or a craft. I miss the peace when I would walk onto Kanchee Park. I miss the hugs and incredible greetings that you can ever imagine. I miss the little girls coming up and grabbing your hand to take you to the swing. I miss the girls making headbands out of dandelions. I miss the closeness to creation that we were. I miss the closeness of the people I was with. I miss the carefree of how the kids didn't care what we were wearing, they were just glad that we were there. ( I need to stop)

This mission trip was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got closer to God along with some of the students in my school. I am *SO* glad I got this opportunity. I pray that one day I get to go back and see "my kids" at both vacation bible schools and see what incredible things they are doing. I hope and pray that what happened this week will forever impact me, and change me more to doing what God wants me to do each and everyday. I pray that I am grateful for everything and take nothing for granted.

Strength?

What is strength? Physically is it being able to pick up 20 pounds in one hand, or is it holding back the 200 tears that are going to fall? Is it being able to fall completely to rock bottom and pick yourself back up? Is it being able to show that you are strong and get pulled to the side and get told how strong you are and how they are proud of you and how you have turned out after all these things that keeps happening to you.

All I want people to see in me is strength, and how no matter what life throws at me I keep strong in my faith, and I stumble but I am able to pick myself back up. I want people to be able to see me for not giving up on hope, and love, and happiness, and true love.

June to September is probably the 4 most emotional months for me, and the most eventful months that happened in two years. I know that they aren't suffering anymore, but sometimes I miss them more than I know what to do with. I miss having a grandmom to run to and go shopping and get mani/pedi's with.

Things happen for a reason, I don't know why all this is happening but, I know one day it will help somehow.. someway..

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger"

Looking back..

This time last year I had no idea that the next coming up year would be such an emotional year. I had no idea that I would lose my grandmother. I had no idea that my family would fall apart. No idea that my house would be foreclosed on, and we'd have to move out of the house I have grown up in and the house that I will forever want back. I never thought I'd make it through the school year and actually pass. I never knew that I would get my dream, and it would come crashing down like an ocean wave crashing down on the sand. I never imagined how incredibly hard this year was going to be & how many mistakes I would make knowing that I shouldn't do them.. I did them anyway. Some of them I can't ever get back, but God still loves me. I changed churches which I am so glad I did, I've gotten so close to God. I had spiritual war fare, which was pretty scary but, yes I made it through. I had a friendship I left, come back together & I am soo glad that it did. She is and will forever be my best friend.

I never ever in my wildest imagination imagined I would be going on a mission trip.. much less going to Alaska on a plane. It is absolutely the COOLEST thing I will ever get to do. I know that God wants me to go to this.

Well, this is my last summer in high school.. Which is so depressing. :/ but, I get to go to Alaska for it :) so, it's all better now.

Yeah. well.. heree

The younger years were better
When our relationship was as smooth as a feather
I miss having a man in my life who loves and respects me
I miss having that security of hope, and that everything last forever
Some things just have to come to an end don’t they
Happiness always comes to an end
Over stupid things such as losing a friend
I feel like mine and your relationship is strained
And that my heart is frayed
I wish that things could go back to the way they were
I am older
But I am still your daughter
Why don’t you act like my father?

Jesus said He'd never leave me..

I hate facing things. I hate having to admit that something is wrong. I want to be this person who is completely and totally strong, like there is nothing wrong. Admitting that something is going on in my life is like stabbing a knife in my chest. I do tell people what is wrong but it is like this: I hate doing it but I do it anyway. I really don't understand what is wrong with me and why I do it. Okay, here it's time to face it and say it and not hear someone else say it. My dad left. There. Why was that so hard? It's just three simple words yes, but three words I never wanted to hear from someone much less in my own family. I never understood this deep fear of people leaving me and not wanting me, but it all clicked today. It's because someone who was dear to me left. Someone who was part of my life for 16.. wait 17 years just decided to give up on his family and decided to give up on something that was supposed to never end. Families are supposed to stick together, and if they don't then how can you expect something else to last. My biggest fear as of right now is my boyfriend leaving me. I am cautious on how I talk to him and what I say about my feelings with him because if he leaves I don't know what I will do. I have wanted this so long and it's finally reality, if it goes away.. let me just stop there. I am soo ready for graduation day, yet I am dreading it more than anything I can ever imagine dreading. It all goes back to the 8th grade when I changed schools (and my other best friends graduated) she said she would be there for me forever and she got a boyfriend and forgot all about me. People at my other schools said they'd miss me and text me every day.. You know how many actually did that? 0. I thought some of us was soo close guess not.

I wish I could hide my feelings...

Until today..

I never thought dreams could come true.
I never thought the one I wanted would ever want me.
Sometimes when I would get upset I would day dream about me and him riding down 80 in a van talking and laughing.
Dreaming about laying on the trampolines holding hands just talking.
Dreaming about eating around a round table eating with his family and talking and laughing..

Well, tonight. It was no longer a dream... It was reality.

Sometimes..

I don't understand how someone could get it through their head to call someone fake. I don’t understand how someone can get it through their head that they are a good person and are making a difference when they are constantly cutting people down, showing absolutely no respect, boss people around and just basically treat people like crap. In the Bible it says to treat others as you’d like to be treated. I believe that hitting someone is not the way you wanted to be treated then don’t do it to someone else. If someone is having a bad day I understand that but, treating person with no respect is just wrong. I dread going to school sometimes because I know that either me, or a good friend is going to be torn down. Just because this person is unhappy does NOT make everyone else unhappy. I know everyone thinks that I am this shy and never saying anything person, but I do have an opinion and my opinion is that you need to get the plank out of your eye before you can get the one out of my eye. I understand people helping you but criticizing you and calling you something that you aren’t is my pet peeve. I am NOT a fake person. It really irritates me when people have a set belief on what I am and what I am not. You don’t know me, but then again I have to think who is this coming from. I know who I am. I am in God. People don’t define me. I am starting to believe people who say they really love you, don’t. It’s as simple as that. I feel like everywhere I go is a battlefield. I am constantly on the guard. Sigh, I hope next week is better.

so

There’s always going to be another mountain always going to want to make it move always going to be an uphill battle sometimes you’re going to have to lose it aint how fast I get there it aint about whats waiting on the other side it’s the climb. How do you get through something without wondering why? How do you get to a point and say okay God I give it to you? How do you get to where you can sleep and not worry so much about what is going on? I know what doesn’t kill me will make me but gosh will I ever catch a break. I always want to speak out and break the arguing that goes on. I want to reach out to my mom because she is hurting. I want to reach out to my brother he is hurting. I guess being strong is my only option. Sometimes I wonder what is going to be good out of this. It hurts like heck. I don’t understand what is so bad about my family for him to want another one. Did I do something? Does he not want me? I know I lashed out and for that I am sorry but you were making me mad. I am sorry for that.