Heartbroken..

Everything feels as if it is getting worse. People say that it will get easier and that I will be okay but you know what? I don’t feel it. I don’t feel as if everything will be okay. I don’t feel as if everything will get easier. I have the whole in my heart that won’t go away. All I want to do now is cry and nothing makes it go away. I laugh and then it comes back. I have a stupid moment then the pain comes back. I wake up in the morning and want to go back to bed, I don’t want to face the day, I don’t want to get up out of the bed. I feel like a baby in the world; I don’t know if it will be a good day or a bad day until I go to talk or say “good morning” and if I cry it will be a bad day.. sometimes I wish I could be understood; and if I cry nothing can be said to change my attitude.. I try to think positive and try to make the best of every situation but to be honest I cannot make a good situation out of this. I can not think positive. I dread Sundays and Wednesday because I know I need to go to church but to be honest I just don’t want to.. I just want to lay in bed. I am weak I know. I hate love stories and love movies.. I love hearing about people and how happy they are with their significant other because it gives me the hope that hopefully and maybe I will find someone who wants me and will love me, treat me like I want to be treated. Right now, I am not ready for a relationship. I want one but I know that I do not want it for the right reasons. I will want it to see if it can heal this heart. I know God is the only one who can heal me but where is He? Why won’t He take this pain away? Why is this happening? Why do I just want to cry? Today, my dad came to see me.. I didn’t want to see him to begin with but when I see him I feel happy but I can not stand to see him leave. My heart feels like it falls out of my stomach when I do. I just want to feel happy. I want everything to be back to normal. I want my mom and dad to be back together. I want my heart to feel like a full heart not a billion pieced one. I want to feel wanted and know that when times get tough we will stick together as a family and not just split up. I want to know that God will make this feel better. I know I need to trust God, but its hard. I am afraid someone else is going to leave me. I am afraid that they will use me. I am ready for a new change. I am ready to go ahead and move, I am ready for my stuff to be packed up. I am ready for people to understand me again. I want to be able to talk to someone and they can imagine how I feel. How they feel when they come home and nothing is the same as what they are used to.. to be able to talk to and just let me cry on their shoulder and hold me and not let go. All I do is cry.. once I stop I cant stop then I look like a baby who wants milk; like a baby who didn’t get a toy.. I am ready to cut my tear ducts out and not be able to cry anymore. My eyes become dry from the loss of tears. School is kicking my butt. I can’t pass an English test if it was between life and death. I have to write my testimony and I have no idea how to begin much less what to put in there. I have a HUGE Spanish test Thursday along with 2 english tests on Tuesday plus a paper due on Tuesday and a paper due on Wednesday. I feel like my brain is going to completely explode.. like I am going to school for nothing because I am going to end up failing atleast 2 classes. I know everyone has the same thing due and all but I just feel oh so overwhelmed. I feel as if nothing will like I will be busy and stressed for the rest of my life & more.

Somedays..

I just want to give up.. I don't want to move on.. I don't want to get out of bed.. I mean what is the point? The pain will still be there. The whole will be there still. No matter how hard I try to make myself happy. No matter what I am doing something of me is missing. Something isnt right.. I hate it.. Giving up just seems like the easiest thing to do, but I know I have to be strong for my mom and brother.. and sometimes that is exhausting. I hate it when I break down and cry.. Its not normal to cry this much is it? Happiness is supposed to come when I trust in God right? So where is this happiness? Am I supposed to look over the pain because if so that is impossible. It seems like when I am at the weakest moment in my day someone I know I shouldn't text texts me.. Then I have the need to text them back but if I do more people will walk out on me.. It feels like everyone is leaving me.. and the people I want to stay leave me for my stupid retarded mistakes.. I need to grow up and learn that guys can't mend this whole, only time can. Future is scary.. I don't know what is going to happen or how we are going to do this. I am worried. I mean who woudlnt be? I know Jesus will handle everything but how will you hand it over. I just can't.. It is way to much to carry but I am afraid if I give it over something bad will happen. My dreams haunt me day in and day out.. I have horrible dreams.. So, I hate to sleep. Nothing makes them go away.

Ugh,

Today SUCKED.. It couldnt get any worse from here.. No one knows how bad I hurt and all I want is something to make this whole go away. Okay, so maybe I don't take advice.. or I am not a good pretty person.. I have my flaws but it's still hard to get over this. I am going to counseling next week.. I hope that will help because something has got to change.. Yes, I went back to my ex.. but for some reason when I talk or text him no matter what he says it makes me feel good.. Grr, why does this happen? I only find true happiness when I get attention from guys.. Does that make me a slut? hoe? whore? God, I sure hope not. I know God should be the only one who makes me happy but He just doesn't.. When I listen to Jesus music I don't even feel happy anymore.. What is wrong with me? So, this person said that he wanted me today and then he said other things.. It sucks.. Why can't someone just want me for me? Why does there always have to be: If I do this you have to do this deal.. That isn't a true relationship right? As I write this I keep playing that song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz.. Right now, a lot of people have left me.. because of me going back to my ex.. I should have never opened my mouth.. How stupid am I? Why can't I learn that I don't have to tell people stuff. I am glad I erased my messages today.. (: lol. Erase is the best thing ever invented.. Maybe college will be better for me.. I sure hope so.. Next year I might have to go to Smiths Station.. Which will suck even more.. Sometimes I really think God likes seeing me unhappy.. I wonder why all this is happening.

purpose?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever notices me.. I mean if I wasn't here anymore who would recognize it? NO, I am not suicidal but really who are the ones who actually care about me.. I am tired of finding the ones who don't care about me and break me even more.. I wonder why God has me still here.. What will come good out of this? What's going to happen to my old house? Who is going to live next to me in my new house? Just thinking all of these questions makes my stomach cringe, & make me sick at my stomach. I am ready for it to be January 1st. It will be a new year, new people (hopefully) and hopefully I will actually be happy because right now I play the happy card but inside I am dying. Some days I don't know how I get through the day.. I don't want changes.. I wanted to finish my high school with everything the same.. Same house, same neighborhood, same everything.. stupid changes.. ugh,

One hug is all it took..

Today, I got a  hug from someone.. I know your thinking "It's just a hug, or whatever I get those all the times." but something was different about this one.. something made it be the best hug ever. When this person hugged me it felt as if for that one second nothing else mattered.. Not in a romantic way or even a lovers way.. As a friends way. That made my whole entire afternoon. I just kept playing that over and over in my head. Yeah, I got so happy I actually happy cried. I know that is weird but whatever. (:
 I am so sick of being ran over and  pushed around like nothing. Shoot, I am 5'8 & a very very big girl and I can't even stand up for myself. What is wrong with me? I mean I don't like being ran over or pushed around but I am afraid of hurting someone else.. No one deserves to be made fun of or made fun of because you don't know there story or what that person is going through. I know you are probably thinking are you serious? Yes, I am. Two wrongs don't make a right. So, if someone is being mean to me how do I do something about it without being mean to someone else? I mean this person hurts me so bad & I can't do anything about it.
 THEN, we went and looked at houses today.. So depressing.. Very depressing.. Nothing is as good as my house.. Nothing can be the same.. but I know from now own nothing else can be the same. Everything will be different.. My room, my heart, my thoughts, and summing that up my life will be different. It's not fair. I wanted to finish my high school with my mom AND dad but I won't.. I will finish my high school with my mom OR dad.. There is a HUGE difference.. Ugh, no one understands me. I try to explain but they already have that mind set "oh she is a strong girl she will get through it".. but you know what?! I am NOT as strong as you think. Yes, I know with God everything is possible but sometimes everything feels out of whack and nothing is okay. It is so terribly hard staying close to the people who are around me right now.. I am afraid someone is going to leave me.. If they do I don't know what I will do. I have 4 people right now if they left me I would not know how to function. I know that I should not put all my trust into man but it feels good for people to talk back ya know? We went to eat O'Charley's with some good family friends and of course I end up getting sick lol. Who woulda thunk? Anyway afterwards we went and looked at more houses.. (I think we looked at a million this week no lie.) then we dropped her off at her house. As we are coming home my brother decides to listen to Country music and the song "Picture to Burn" comes on as soon as "someone" texts me.. I kinda found it ironic how he should be someone that I burn their picture; but I just can't do it. He fulfills me.. He makes me happy. Sure, he left me but my dad left me and when he comes back I will accept him with open arms and Jesus accepted me back after I ran away so why shouldn't I accept him back? No one understands that either.
Sometimes I just feel like a misunderstood person..

but all it took was one hug to make me happy today(:

Emotions..

I have a right to be scared? mad? angry? sad? anxious?

I think I do.. Emotions suck! lol. I mean what's the point of them? for other people to know that something is wrong? no matter how much and hard I try to hide it sometimes it just won't stay hid. I feel like a baby when I cry over the same thing more than once in front of people.. Brooke said that its okay to cry; it's hard for me to take that it's okay. I mean all it does is show a) I am human and b) how red and splotchy my face can get. I normally cry in my pillow at night that way no one can know anything is wrong.. but sometimes all you can do is break down. It bothers me when people tease and look down on people when they make a mistake or are being themselves. Okay, so maybe they are weird but if that is how God wants them to be then so be it. People can't help how they look so just leave them alone..

This certain someone I know is the biggest user ever. I mean he knew what was going on with me, I helped him through a lot of stuff, shoot, I even took him to church and out to eat and everything and then he drops me like a dang penny. I mean really? and now, he wants to talk to me (after not talking to me for two or three days) and act like nothing happened, like my feelings weren't hurt, like my heart wasn't broken even more. It is all I have right now NOT to talk to him because all I want to do is talk to him.. He is being all sweet and all  I can do is say "ok".. His relationship with the girl he just "dated" lasted for three days and I think he is crawling back to me because he is sad and wants to have a girlfriend.. I am better than that right? I am better than someone's "backup plan".. I guess I am..

As soon as I start feeling relief something happens. I end up being sad before I go to bed always.. (thank God for sleep medicine). I got a bruster's milkshake.. Of course I know.. Food(: lol. that always makes me happy. I am tired of being the only one making the effort to see him.. I am tired of begging &calling first. If he wanted to see me and if he wanted to talk to me he would do it.. Now, that I am waiting on him I feel empty.. I feel lonely and I feel like he doesn't care. So why should I?

Man of the House quote:
cheerleader says: "Put on your happy face"
man says: "This is my happy face"