Change.

I never thought it’d happen to me. I never thought I would get the statement your dad left. I can never keep it out of my mind that if I would have done something different it wouldn’t be this way. If I wouldn’t have wanted to go to a public school then change to a private school. If I would have stayed where I was would everything have been okay? Would my Nana still be alive if dad and mommy would have stayed together? Would Meme still be alive if Wendy and Jimmy wouldn’t have gotten killed? Would she still be alive if I had not gone to see that stupid movie The Last Exorcism? Would she still want me as a friend if I wouldn’t have spoken my mind? I wish I was smarter. I wish I could figure these things out. They haunt me day in and day out. I wish they would be answered. Everyone tells me everything happens for a reason.. If I take that into context then I was punished for going to see the last exorcism so my Meme died. If I take that into context I doubted and lost faith in God then a day before my Nana died I gave everything to God. What if I had done that one day sooner? Would she still be here? I miss having a grandmother. I know I have a granddad that is good beyond measure but still.. Sometimes I miss that female talk between grandmother and granddaughter. Like going to get manicures and pedicures together; going shopping for your grandfather a present. I know I am looking at the negatives but I just don’t understand sometimes. Maybe this is my time in waiting for God to show. Maybe this is a punishment for not going to church and pulling away from God because I don’t want to get hurt. Maybe just maybe if I quit thinking nothing would hurt as much. People say: I don’t understand why you are so hurt about your parents splitting and all I want to say is because they are my parents. Yes, it is a whole lot better around the house, yes its better with the stress level. But, no it’s not okay inside. I feel hurt, I feel like there is no hope in marriage because it’s just going to end in divorce. Every time I get a rejection from a guy it hurts ten times worse because all I want it a relationship. There. I said it. I want someone to love me for me. not because they are family. I want someone to choose to look passed the face; to look passed the outside to look passed how long my hair is. I want someone to see how I am on the inside. People always say I choose the ugliest guys. Yeah, I do because most of the time the most attractive ones are snobby and stuck up because they think that just because they are hot they have to have the “hot” girls; the ones who are a size 0, who have blonde hair, who are not too tall, who have big boobs, and have perfectly straight hair. Well you know what I don’t have any of that. Nope, so I get punished because all these guys are so dumb that they want the outside; and it irritates me. I know I am supposed to wait for God to give me a guy when I am ready; but it just makes me so jealous that all these pretty girls get any guy they want. I want a guy to look at me and say you’re beautiful. I want a guy to love me. I guess I just have to wait. It’s extremely hard.. unfortunately. I wish I would have never had a boyfriend so I wouldn’t know what it was like. I remember dating a non-Christian and my dad getting mad at me for breaking up with him. He said that it was marriage that you’re not supposed to be unequally yoked. It upset me that he didn’t support my decision. Sometimes I think that it is so cool just to have a mom and brother in the house, but I miss the number 4. Four cups to eat with, four plates, four chairs. It’s so different. Everything is changing and I don’t know if I like it yet.

I wonder..

I wonder where all this is going to end at one day. I wonder why all these tears are shed and all the times I wish that I could go back and put a patch and heal my parents. I wonder where the ending of friendships will lead me one day. I wonder why I am at Trinity. I wonder why I am such a sensitive person and I can cry at the sight of someone falling and scraping their knee. I am constantly told that I need to grow up and stop being so sensitive; but that is who I am so how can I stop it. I wonder what the reason of going on the computer and typing all this stuff will do for me in the end. I wonder who actually cares what I think. I wonder if he ever really did care about me or did he just say it. I wonder if he ever meant what he said. I wonder if relationships ever can be truly mended. I wonder if sarcasm will ever be taken as sarcasm from me. I wonder if one day I will ever be able to share my opinion on something and not hold back. I wonder what is so great about love. I mean the divorce rate is 50% in the U.S. I wonder if the vows you take are ever really true. I wonder if there is anyone out there who is willing to do anything for you. I wonder if the past is ever really a past. I wonder if there will ever be a day without drama. I wonder if there really is compassion in the world. I wonder if there really is someone out there just for me. I wonder if friends ever stay friends forever; or are they a lie to get what they want. I wonder if dreams really do come true. I wonder if “don’t tell anyone” ever works. I wonder if you can really trust anyone. I wonder do counselors all think you are crazy and just do their job to get in other people’s business. I wonder does growing up ever scare anyone but me. I wonder if college is as scary and hard as people make it out to be. I wonder what happens after graduation. I wonder how you get a job as a CSI. I wonder what it’s like to be in a job. I wonder what really matters.

I wonder..

I wonder where all this is going to end at one day. I wonder why all these tears are shed and all the times I wish that I could go back and put a patch and heal my parents. I wonder where the ending of friendships will lead me one day. I wonder why I am at Trinity. I wonder why I am such a sensitive person and I can cry at the sight of someone falling and scraping their knee. I am constantly told that I need to grow up and stop being so sensitive; but that is who I am so how can I stop it. I wonder what the reason of going on the computer and typing all this stuff will do for me in the end. I wonder who actually cares what I think. I wonder if he ever really did care about me or did he just say it. I wonder if he ever meant what he said. I wonder if relationships ever can be truly mended. I wonder if sarcasm will ever be taken as sarcasm from me. I wonder if one day I will ever be able to share my opinion on something and not hold back. I wonder what is so great about love. I mean the divorce rate is 50% in the U.S. I wonder if the vows you take are ever really true. I wonder if there is anyone out there who is willing to do anything for you. I wonder if the past is ever really a past. I wonder if there will ever be a day without drama. I wonder if there really is compassion in the world. I wonder if there really is someone out there just for me. I wonder if friends ever stay friends forever; or are they a lie to get what they want. I wonder if dreams really do come true. I wonder if “don’t tell anyone” ever works. I wonder if you can really trust anyone. I wonder do counselors all think you are crazy and just do their job to get in other people’s business. I wonder does growing up ever scare anyone but me. I wonder if college is as scary and hard as people make it out to be. I wonder what happens after graduation. I wonder how you get a job as a CSI. I wonder what it’s like to be in a job. I wonder what really matters.

Confrontation

How do you deal with someone who doesn't take confrontation well, at all; yet, they are hurting you more and more each and everyday. With things they say, to little comments about something.. I don't know what to do!

Word..

I used to believe in coincidences, but now I know everything happens for a reason. Tonight, I really didn’t want to stay at home, and just wanted to do something. One of my best friends has been begging me to come back to church. So, I decide to take that option up and go to church thinking, oh I haven’t seen everyone it will be good to see my friends. Earlier this week I had already been thinking I needed to start picking up my Bible reading and making that step. Well, of course God had already planned on our sermon to be about getting in His word and letting God reveal himself to you and that you need to obey His word.

Psalm 119:97- Oh, how I love your instructions! I think about them all day long.

Psalm 119:98- Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for I am always thinking of your law.

Psalm 119:105- Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.

And then, they opened up service today by having a cookie eating, milk drinking contest. It got pretty gross and I didn’t feel like feeling sick tonight so, I started to read the Bible. I came across this verse

Psalm 119:50- Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles.

To think, I sit there and question where God is in all this and to wonder how this can come out to any good. God didn’t say that you wouldn’t have suffering; Jesus had suffering what makes us better than Jesus?

Homesick.

This morning as I was studying and listening to my music the song Homesick came on; which was the song that was played at my grandmother’s funeral. It’s pretty cool how yesterday I asked my cousin to tell me more about my grandmother since I never got to really meet her, I just knew how she was after she contracted the horrible disease. Which now, that I think about it, I am glad she got Alzheimer’s because if she hadn’t she would still be in the emotional state she was 20 years ago when her son and step-daughter were killed four years apart. Even though I never really knew her, knowing her while I could was one of the best privileges I could have ever had. She never once complained about how achy her joints were, or how uncomfortable she was when we were trying to move her. She had the best personality a woman in that state could have. Every morning I was there this summer I would take her a pudding and a Pedia-sure shake, and there she would be waiting with that big, beautiful smile. My cousin said that she was always the light of the party, and I would believe it. Her smile was soo bright. The care keeper we had said the last day she saw her (which was a Thursday, she died Saturday) she was already raising her hands up to the sky like she was seeing God.  I miss her a whole bunch. I miss the fact of having a grandmother to go shopping with and to just lie down on the bed and watch soap operas with or watch the news with. I miss that but, I know for a fact both of them are better off where they are because of the pain they were in their last couple of days.  But, I have one of the best granddads anyone could ask for. I love him to death and would do anything for him. 

One week down..

Today has been one week without Facebook for me. I have to admit it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to give up. After the first three days it got easier, and now, I even hardly think about it. It was the same way with my i-Pod touch. It was so hard the first two days, now, I forget I am supposed to have one. God has really blessed me with people who have good accountability skills and don’t give in after I beg, and beg, and beg, constantly (cough Brooke cough). Since I was off of Facebook and not hidden in the world of other peoples life I got out and expanded my horizon and talked to a neighbor and had tea with her. We sat there and talked for about 3 hours and just talked. I don’t have an earthly grandmother anymore; she said she would be willing to be my “adoptive grandmother”, which is possibly the coolest thing ever. It really meant a lot to me when she said that and it made me realize how much I am missing being up in the social network. It really touch me, and now I’m looking into Volunteer options so I can get out there and help spread Jesus. 

Unsure..

My life these passed two to three weeks have been crazy. My grandmother died. We are trying to find a new house. Everything is just going downhill. I need and upbringing week but this week was not it, of course. I had the most embarrassing conversations with adults, gave up my last ipod( yes I have been hiding it). Today, at lunch I realized something.. I am afraid of what will happen when I die. I know that God died for me, I know I am a sinner but I don’t know what will happen to me. I know I got baptized.. but why do I always feel so weird during invitation time at church? I have this feeling like I need to accept Christ but I thought I have already done it. I never feel guilty about anything unless I get caught. I never feel conviction. I never feel close to Jesus anymore. I feel like a horrible person for this. But if you look at my life and someone who wasn’t a Christian you’d think ‘what is the difference between her’s and her’s?’ I know I have not been living right. I know I need to change but it’s hard to change. It’s hard to be doing something one day and then having to quit cold turkey. Ya know? Well, I guess the point is that I am unsure as of right now of where I will spend eternity. I feel like a hypocrite going to a Christian school but not sure of really being a Christian. I don’t know if this is a normal thing to go through but it is killing me. i drive and I am sixteen years old.. I could die in a car wreck any second and die.. Heaven or Hell? That gave me chill bumps.

Heartbroken..

Everything feels as if it is getting worse. People say that it will get easier and that I will be okay but you know what? I don’t feel it. I don’t feel as if everything will be okay. I don’t feel as if everything will get easier. I have the whole in my heart that won’t go away. All I want to do now is cry and nothing makes it go away. I laugh and then it comes back. I have a stupid moment then the pain comes back. I wake up in the morning and want to go back to bed, I don’t want to face the day, I don’t want to get up out of the bed. I feel like a baby in the world; I don’t know if it will be a good day or a bad day until I go to talk or say “good morning” and if I cry it will be a bad day.. sometimes I wish I could be understood; and if I cry nothing can be said to change my attitude.. I try to think positive and try to make the best of every situation but to be honest I cannot make a good situation out of this. I can not think positive. I dread Sundays and Wednesday because I know I need to go to church but to be honest I just don’t want to.. I just want to lay in bed. I am weak I know. I hate love stories and love movies.. I love hearing about people and how happy they are with their significant other because it gives me the hope that hopefully and maybe I will find someone who wants me and will love me, treat me like I want to be treated. Right now, I am not ready for a relationship. I want one but I know that I do not want it for the right reasons. I will want it to see if it can heal this heart. I know God is the only one who can heal me but where is He? Why won’t He take this pain away? Why is this happening? Why do I just want to cry? Today, my dad came to see me.. I didn’t want to see him to begin with but when I see him I feel happy but I can not stand to see him leave. My heart feels like it falls out of my stomach when I do. I just want to feel happy. I want everything to be back to normal. I want my mom and dad to be back together. I want my heart to feel like a full heart not a billion pieced one. I want to feel wanted and know that when times get tough we will stick together as a family and not just split up. I want to know that God will make this feel better. I know I need to trust God, but its hard. I am afraid someone else is going to leave me. I am afraid that they will use me. I am ready for a new change. I am ready to go ahead and move, I am ready for my stuff to be packed up. I am ready for people to understand me again. I want to be able to talk to someone and they can imagine how I feel. How they feel when they come home and nothing is the same as what they are used to.. to be able to talk to and just let me cry on their shoulder and hold me and not let go. All I do is cry.. once I stop I cant stop then I look like a baby who wants milk; like a baby who didn’t get a toy.. I am ready to cut my tear ducts out and not be able to cry anymore. My eyes become dry from the loss of tears. School is kicking my butt. I can’t pass an English test if it was between life and death. I have to write my testimony and I have no idea how to begin much less what to put in there. I have a HUGE Spanish test Thursday along with 2 english tests on Tuesday plus a paper due on Tuesday and a paper due on Wednesday. I feel like my brain is going to completely explode.. like I am going to school for nothing because I am going to end up failing atleast 2 classes. I know everyone has the same thing due and all but I just feel oh so overwhelmed. I feel as if nothing will like I will be busy and stressed for the rest of my life & more.

Somedays..

I just want to give up.. I don't want to move on.. I don't want to get out of bed.. I mean what is the point? The pain will still be there. The whole will be there still. No matter how hard I try to make myself happy. No matter what I am doing something of me is missing. Something isnt right.. I hate it.. Giving up just seems like the easiest thing to do, but I know I have to be strong for my mom and brother.. and sometimes that is exhausting. I hate it when I break down and cry.. Its not normal to cry this much is it? Happiness is supposed to come when I trust in God right? So where is this happiness? Am I supposed to look over the pain because if so that is impossible. It seems like when I am at the weakest moment in my day someone I know I shouldn't text texts me.. Then I have the need to text them back but if I do more people will walk out on me.. It feels like everyone is leaving me.. and the people I want to stay leave me for my stupid retarded mistakes.. I need to grow up and learn that guys can't mend this whole, only time can. Future is scary.. I don't know what is going to happen or how we are going to do this. I am worried. I mean who woudlnt be? I know Jesus will handle everything but how will you hand it over. I just can't.. It is way to much to carry but I am afraid if I give it over something bad will happen. My dreams haunt me day in and day out.. I have horrible dreams.. So, I hate to sleep. Nothing makes them go away.

Ugh,

Today SUCKED.. It couldnt get any worse from here.. No one knows how bad I hurt and all I want is something to make this whole go away. Okay, so maybe I don't take advice.. or I am not a good pretty person.. I have my flaws but it's still hard to get over this. I am going to counseling next week.. I hope that will help because something has got to change.. Yes, I went back to my ex.. but for some reason when I talk or text him no matter what he says it makes me feel good.. Grr, why does this happen? I only find true happiness when I get attention from guys.. Does that make me a slut? hoe? whore? God, I sure hope not. I know God should be the only one who makes me happy but He just doesn't.. When I listen to Jesus music I don't even feel happy anymore.. What is wrong with me? So, this person said that he wanted me today and then he said other things.. It sucks.. Why can't someone just want me for me? Why does there always have to be: If I do this you have to do this deal.. That isn't a true relationship right? As I write this I keep playing that song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz.. Right now, a lot of people have left me.. because of me going back to my ex.. I should have never opened my mouth.. How stupid am I? Why can't I learn that I don't have to tell people stuff. I am glad I erased my messages today.. (: lol. Erase is the best thing ever invented.. Maybe college will be better for me.. I sure hope so.. Next year I might have to go to Smiths Station.. Which will suck even more.. Sometimes I really think God likes seeing me unhappy.. I wonder why all this is happening.

purpose?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever notices me.. I mean if I wasn't here anymore who would recognize it? NO, I am not suicidal but really who are the ones who actually care about me.. I am tired of finding the ones who don't care about me and break me even more.. I wonder why God has me still here.. What will come good out of this? What's going to happen to my old house? Who is going to live next to me in my new house? Just thinking all of these questions makes my stomach cringe, & make me sick at my stomach. I am ready for it to be January 1st. It will be a new year, new people (hopefully) and hopefully I will actually be happy because right now I play the happy card but inside I am dying. Some days I don't know how I get through the day.. I don't want changes.. I wanted to finish my high school with everything the same.. Same house, same neighborhood, same everything.. stupid changes.. ugh,

One hug is all it took..

Today, I got a  hug from someone.. I know your thinking "It's just a hug, or whatever I get those all the times." but something was different about this one.. something made it be the best hug ever. When this person hugged me it felt as if for that one second nothing else mattered.. Not in a romantic way or even a lovers way.. As a friends way. That made my whole entire afternoon. I just kept playing that over and over in my head. Yeah, I got so happy I actually happy cried. I know that is weird but whatever. (:
 I am so sick of being ran over and  pushed around like nothing. Shoot, I am 5'8 & a very very big girl and I can't even stand up for myself. What is wrong with me? I mean I don't like being ran over or pushed around but I am afraid of hurting someone else.. No one deserves to be made fun of or made fun of because you don't know there story or what that person is going through. I know you are probably thinking are you serious? Yes, I am. Two wrongs don't make a right. So, if someone is being mean to me how do I do something about it without being mean to someone else? I mean this person hurts me so bad & I can't do anything about it.
 THEN, we went and looked at houses today.. So depressing.. Very depressing.. Nothing is as good as my house.. Nothing can be the same.. but I know from now own nothing else can be the same. Everything will be different.. My room, my heart, my thoughts, and summing that up my life will be different. It's not fair. I wanted to finish my high school with my mom AND dad but I won't.. I will finish my high school with my mom OR dad.. There is a HUGE difference.. Ugh, no one understands me. I try to explain but they already have that mind set "oh she is a strong girl she will get through it".. but you know what?! I am NOT as strong as you think. Yes, I know with God everything is possible but sometimes everything feels out of whack and nothing is okay. It is so terribly hard staying close to the people who are around me right now.. I am afraid someone is going to leave me.. If they do I don't know what I will do. I have 4 people right now if they left me I would not know how to function. I know that I should not put all my trust into man but it feels good for people to talk back ya know? We went to eat O'Charley's with some good family friends and of course I end up getting sick lol. Who woulda thunk? Anyway afterwards we went and looked at more houses.. (I think we looked at a million this week no lie.) then we dropped her off at her house. As we are coming home my brother decides to listen to Country music and the song "Picture to Burn" comes on as soon as "someone" texts me.. I kinda found it ironic how he should be someone that I burn their picture; but I just can't do it. He fulfills me.. He makes me happy. Sure, he left me but my dad left me and when he comes back I will accept him with open arms and Jesus accepted me back after I ran away so why shouldn't I accept him back? No one understands that either.
Sometimes I just feel like a misunderstood person..

but all it took was one hug to make me happy today(:

Emotions..

I have a right to be scared? mad? angry? sad? anxious?

I think I do.. Emotions suck! lol. I mean what's the point of them? for other people to know that something is wrong? no matter how much and hard I try to hide it sometimes it just won't stay hid. I feel like a baby when I cry over the same thing more than once in front of people.. Brooke said that its okay to cry; it's hard for me to take that it's okay. I mean all it does is show a) I am human and b) how red and splotchy my face can get. I normally cry in my pillow at night that way no one can know anything is wrong.. but sometimes all you can do is break down. It bothers me when people tease and look down on people when they make a mistake or are being themselves. Okay, so maybe they are weird but if that is how God wants them to be then so be it. People can't help how they look so just leave them alone..

This certain someone I know is the biggest user ever. I mean he knew what was going on with me, I helped him through a lot of stuff, shoot, I even took him to church and out to eat and everything and then he drops me like a dang penny. I mean really? and now, he wants to talk to me (after not talking to me for two or three days) and act like nothing happened, like my feelings weren't hurt, like my heart wasn't broken even more. It is all I have right now NOT to talk to him because all I want to do is talk to him.. He is being all sweet and all  I can do is say "ok".. His relationship with the girl he just "dated" lasted for three days and I think he is crawling back to me because he is sad and wants to have a girlfriend.. I am better than that right? I am better than someone's "backup plan".. I guess I am..

As soon as I start feeling relief something happens. I end up being sad before I go to bed always.. (thank God for sleep medicine). I got a bruster's milkshake.. Of course I know.. Food(: lol. that always makes me happy. I am tired of being the only one making the effort to see him.. I am tired of begging &calling first. If he wanted to see me and if he wanted to talk to me he would do it.. Now, that I am waiting on him I feel empty.. I feel lonely and I feel like he doesn't care. So why should I?

Man of the House quote:
cheerleader says: "Put on your happy face"
man says: "This is my happy face"

Love..

Something every little girl dreams of.. Something every girl plans from the day she is old enough to realize what it is.. Something that is so good to have but so easy to lose.. Something that means so much but can be taken away so quickly.. Yep, if your thinking what I am thinking.. Love. Love is something that most people say that they can't explain. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and shapes. The icon for love shouldn't be a heart because it can be broken but love should be shown by a cross. A heart can be broken, a "true love" can be a let down(hello we are human) but we have to learn to realize that even though the world will let you down and people you are close to will hurt you that God is always by your side and that even though your world is crashing down that God is with you through every step of the way.. Even though you feel all alone and like no one loves you know that God loves you. (I am saying this to myself as well.) Tonight, I had a break down about my Dad.. Heart breaks are for all types of things.. My life is like a toilet bowl that just got flushed is keeps spinning and spinning but I know that God pushed the knob so that I will be able to grow in my faith and that He has a whole lot more in store for me even though all I can see is what is happening. It is hard trying to think positive.. It is hard to think strong and to be strong for people.. Especially when its all you have not to cry, but just think even though what I am going through is hard there is someone out there who has it a million times worse than me and would do anything to be in my spot.. It's hard to think that everything is changing. That things whirling right past me then they come past. It's hard to realize that people you thought loved you.. DON'T.. and that you are used and are being used like a toy and that they don't respect you for you.. Even when you pour your life out to them they just use you.. God doesn't use me, He helps me and stays right there with me. Sometimes I really wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.. Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(For all you who think I am stupid no I don't mean literally it's an expression).. Ugh, that is another thing.. I hate it when all you want to do is stand up for yourself but then if you do then you might not get noticed anymore.. That you might not be loved even if it's for the wrong thing that maybe once.. Just once people could see that you are really smart, just not like them. Sure, I  suck at spelling, vocabulary, history, grammar, and science(Yes, I know don't say anything.) I am really good at math, and I actually enjoy doing it; but I am afraid that if I show that side of me then people will stop "liking me".. Yes, I know I should only look to God for gratification and that only God should matter what I think.. but its just ugh, how do you live in a world that does nothing but criticize you then expect you to love yourself ? Yes, I know no one "means" to hurt your feelings or no one "means" to make you sad they just do.. and once you say something then it can't be repeated ya know? And why I am at it what's wrong with just randomly saying "thank you for being you" or "you are a good person".. that might be someone's light of the day. It's so hard that when your dying inside to just come out and your afraid to let loose and be you.. Afraid to be the person you've always wanted to show; and when you are able to show your self(for me take your sweatshirt off) that person ends up hurting you.. ends up dropping you like your a sheet of paper no one needs since there is so many out.. like your well worthless..  sometimes I wonder if I am really worth something.. if something is wrong with me.. why people don't like me.. why am I like a sheet of paper no one wants.. do I have something in my personality saying " I like to be hurt and used so come at me you players".. because if I do please tell me.. I am sick of this. I just want to feel...................... love.

Life..

Today my dad came to see us and we had a long talk. He told me a lot of stuff today but two of the main things that stuck out to me was that I need to set goals write them down and that I need to stop living in the past.

What my dad said about setting goals is that you need to write them down and cross them off when you accomplish them because a) it will make you feel better about yourself b) it gives you something to look forward to c) it gives you and accomplishment. He said that if you didn't set goals then how will you get places in life. Myself, I don't like setting goals because about half way through I end up giving up and then get upset; but, I realized today that I make my goals unreasonable and that I need to make them small so that when I reach my big goal I can look back and see all my baby steps up to reach that big goal. When you take baby steps it gives you that encouragement to keep going on instead of making a goal that is outrageous.

Then there is the staying in the past, but needing to move into the present and future. He said that if you wanted to make goals and accomplish them then you have to get out of the past and start living and making the present worthwhile. You can't dwell on the fact you can't see someone or that your not with a person; you have to look ahead and think about the next time you will see that person and how much fun y'all will have when your with them. As y'all may and probably know this concept is hard to do for me especially with my dad but, I am trying to make the best of this situation and I am going to start looking forward to the next time I get to see him. I am trusting God through this situation.


Psalm 61:1-4
Hear my cry, O God; 
       listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
       I call as my heart grows faint;
       lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
       a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever 

       and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
       Selah. 

Growing Up..

Remember the days when guys had cooties, when being high meant being high on the swings, when you would tell your mom and dad that "when I grow I want to be a princess" or "I want to be a rock star". 

Then we would change our minds to doctors or veterinarians. Then, you hit middle school when you have to learn a little responsibility at a time, when you start learning how to do things on your own and school work gets a little harder and they don't "spit out" what you need to know. High school is next, which is when you have full freedom; whether you study or not, whether you pay attention during class or not.  

Next year I will be making the decisions for college and what I want to do with my life. It's scary thinking about the real world and being let loose; from taxes to bills to college homework to job. 

Growing up means letting go of the pointless drama and realize what matter the most. Growing up means finding out who will be there with you through thick and then who will be there for you when no one else is. Growing up means that when you make a mistake you take the consequence either being good or bad and “take it like a man”. Growing up means that you take the bad with the good; learning that no matter what the situation is that it will come to God’s glory no matter what because it is in HIS hands. Growing up is becoming more and more real to me each and everyday this year for some reason; when something happens you have to learn to take responsibility and start helping around the house and taking care of you and someone else. In a blink of an eye something life changing could happen. You can either take it as a good life change or a bad life change.. It depends on how your perspective of the situation is.  

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.