Love..

Something every little girl dreams of.. Something every girl plans from the day she is old enough to realize what it is.. Something that is so good to have but so easy to lose.. Something that means so much but can be taken away so quickly.. Yep, if your thinking what I am thinking.. Love. Love is something that most people say that they can't explain. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and shapes. The icon for love shouldn't be a heart because it can be broken but love should be shown by a cross. A heart can be broken, a "true love" can be a let down(hello we are human) but we have to learn to realize that even though the world will let you down and people you are close to will hurt you that God is always by your side and that even though your world is crashing down that God is with you through every step of the way.. Even though you feel all alone and like no one loves you know that God loves you. (I am saying this to myself as well.) Tonight, I had a break down about my Dad.. Heart breaks are for all types of things.. My life is like a toilet bowl that just got flushed is keeps spinning and spinning but I know that God pushed the knob so that I will be able to grow in my faith and that He has a whole lot more in store for me even though all I can see is what is happening. It is hard trying to think positive.. It is hard to think strong and to be strong for people.. Especially when its all you have not to cry, but just think even though what I am going through is hard there is someone out there who has it a million times worse than me and would do anything to be in my spot.. It's hard to think that everything is changing. That things whirling right past me then they come past. It's hard to realize that people you thought loved you.. DON'T.. and that you are used and are being used like a toy and that they don't respect you for you.. Even when you pour your life out to them they just use you.. God doesn't use me, He helps me and stays right there with me. Sometimes I really wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.. Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(For all you who think I am stupid no I don't mean literally it's an expression).. Ugh, that is another thing.. I hate it when all you want to do is stand up for yourself but then if you do then you might not get noticed anymore.. That you might not be loved even if it's for the wrong thing that maybe once.. Just once people could see that you are really smart, just not like them. Sure, I  suck at spelling, vocabulary, history, grammar, and science(Yes, I know don't say anything.) I am really good at math, and I actually enjoy doing it; but I am afraid that if I show that side of me then people will stop "liking me".. Yes, I know I should only look to God for gratification and that only God should matter what I think.. but its just ugh, how do you live in a world that does nothing but criticize you then expect you to love yourself ? Yes, I know no one "means" to hurt your feelings or no one "means" to make you sad they just do.. and once you say something then it can't be repeated ya know? And why I am at it what's wrong with just randomly saying "thank you for being you" or "you are a good person".. that might be someone's light of the day. It's so hard that when your dying inside to just come out and your afraid to let loose and be you.. Afraid to be the person you've always wanted to show; and when you are able to show your self(for me take your sweatshirt off) that person ends up hurting you.. ends up dropping you like your a sheet of paper no one needs since there is so many out.. like your well worthless..  sometimes I wonder if I am really worth something.. if something is wrong with me.. why people don't like me.. why am I like a sheet of paper no one wants.. do I have something in my personality saying " I like to be hurt and used so come at me you players".. because if I do please tell me.. I am sick of this. I just want to feel...................... love.

Life..

Today my dad came to see us and we had a long talk. He told me a lot of stuff today but two of the main things that stuck out to me was that I need to set goals write them down and that I need to stop living in the past.

What my dad said about setting goals is that you need to write them down and cross them off when you accomplish them because a) it will make you feel better about yourself b) it gives you something to look forward to c) it gives you and accomplishment. He said that if you didn't set goals then how will you get places in life. Myself, I don't like setting goals because about half way through I end up giving up and then get upset; but, I realized today that I make my goals unreasonable and that I need to make them small so that when I reach my big goal I can look back and see all my baby steps up to reach that big goal. When you take baby steps it gives you that encouragement to keep going on instead of making a goal that is outrageous.

Then there is the staying in the past, but needing to move into the present and future. He said that if you wanted to make goals and accomplish them then you have to get out of the past and start living and making the present worthwhile. You can't dwell on the fact you can't see someone or that your not with a person; you have to look ahead and think about the next time you will see that person and how much fun y'all will have when your with them. As y'all may and probably know this concept is hard to do for me especially with my dad but, I am trying to make the best of this situation and I am going to start looking forward to the next time I get to see him. I am trusting God through this situation.


Psalm 61:1-4
Hear my cry, O God; 
       listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
       I call as my heart grows faint;
       lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
       a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever 

       and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
       Selah. 

Growing Up..

Remember the days when guys had cooties, when being high meant being high on the swings, when you would tell your mom and dad that "when I grow I want to be a princess" or "I want to be a rock star". 

Then we would change our minds to doctors or veterinarians. Then, you hit middle school when you have to learn a little responsibility at a time, when you start learning how to do things on your own and school work gets a little harder and they don't "spit out" what you need to know. High school is next, which is when you have full freedom; whether you study or not, whether you pay attention during class or not.  

Next year I will be making the decisions for college and what I want to do with my life. It's scary thinking about the real world and being let loose; from taxes to bills to college homework to job. 

Growing up means letting go of the pointless drama and realize what matter the most. Growing up means finding out who will be there with you through thick and then who will be there for you when no one else is. Growing up means that when you make a mistake you take the consequence either being good or bad and “take it like a man”. Growing up means that you take the bad with the good; learning that no matter what the situation is that it will come to God’s glory no matter what because it is in HIS hands. Growing up is becoming more and more real to me each and everyday this year for some reason; when something happens you have to learn to take responsibility and start helping around the house and taking care of you and someone else. In a blink of an eye something life changing could happen. You can either take it as a good life change or a bad life change.. It depends on how your perspective of the situation is.  

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.