Love..

Something every little girl dreams of.. Something every girl plans from the day she is old enough to realize what it is.. Something that is so good to have but so easy to lose.. Something that means so much but can be taken away so quickly.. Yep, if your thinking what I am thinking.. Love. Love is something that most people say that they can't explain. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and shapes. The icon for love shouldn't be a heart because it can be broken but love should be shown by a cross. A heart can be broken, a "true love" can be a let down(hello we are human) but we have to learn to realize that even though the world will let you down and people you are close to will hurt you that God is always by your side and that even though your world is crashing down that God is with you through every step of the way.. Even though you feel all alone and like no one loves you know that God loves you. (I am saying this to myself as well.) Tonight, I had a break down about my Dad.. Heart breaks are for all types of things.. My life is like a toilet bowl that just got flushed is keeps spinning and spinning but I know that God pushed the knob so that I will be able to grow in my faith and that He has a whole lot more in store for me even though all I can see is what is happening. It is hard trying to think positive.. It is hard to think strong and to be strong for people.. Especially when its all you have not to cry, but just think even though what I am going through is hard there is someone out there who has it a million times worse than me and would do anything to be in my spot.. It's hard to think that everything is changing. That things whirling right past me then they come past. It's hard to realize that people you thought loved you.. DON'T.. and that you are used and are being used like a toy and that they don't respect you for you.. Even when you pour your life out to them they just use you.. God doesn't use me, He helps me and stays right there with me. Sometimes I really wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.. Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(For all you who think I am stupid no I don't mean literally it's an expression).. Ugh, that is another thing.. I hate it when all you want to do is stand up for yourself but then if you do then you might not get noticed anymore.. That you might not be loved even if it's for the wrong thing that maybe once.. Just once people could see that you are really smart, just not like them. Sure, I  suck at spelling, vocabulary, history, grammar, and science(Yes, I know don't say anything.) I am really good at math, and I actually enjoy doing it; but I am afraid that if I show that side of me then people will stop "liking me".. Yes, I know I should only look to God for gratification and that only God should matter what I think.. but its just ugh, how do you live in a world that does nothing but criticize you then expect you to love yourself ? Yes, I know no one "means" to hurt your feelings or no one "means" to make you sad they just do.. and once you say something then it can't be repeated ya know? And why I am at it what's wrong with just randomly saying "thank you for being you" or "you are a good person".. that might be someone's light of the day. It's so hard that when your dying inside to just come out and your afraid to let loose and be you.. Afraid to be the person you've always wanted to show; and when you are able to show your self(for me take your sweatshirt off) that person ends up hurting you.. ends up dropping you like your a sheet of paper no one needs since there is so many out.. like your well worthless..  sometimes I wonder if I am really worth something.. if something is wrong with me.. why people don't like me.. why am I like a sheet of paper no one wants.. do I have something in my personality saying " I like to be hurt and used so come at me you players".. because if I do please tell me.. I am sick of this. I just want to feel...................... love.