Reminiscing..

I have been missing my grandmother's soo much. I miss the way they would hug me and the bond. I miss my Nana because when I needed to cry I could get up there in her big chair with her and just cry, and she'd hold me. I miss being held like I meant something to someone. I miss my meme, I miss the smile she'd give me when I walked in there. I miss going to get my nails done with meme and we'd laugh the whole time. I wish I would have taken more time with them and take their presence more heavily. I wish I could have a hug like theirs. I miss Nana squeezing my cheek and giving me a kiss on it, leaving that bright red lipstick on my cheek.

I don't understand why I had to loose both of my grandmothers before graduation. My kids will never get to meet their grandmothers. They will just have pictures and stories that I tell them. Gosh, I hope they get to meet Daddy Steve and that nothing happens to him before graduation. I know that this sounds bad but I dread the months that happen when school starts. July my dad left last year. August of my 10th grade year my Nana died. September of 11th grade my Meme died. It's just a continuous month to month thing. I am not looking forward to October because something might happen.

I sometimes wish that there was no heartbreak, nor death, nor abandonment in life, but then why would we need God. If everything was so good and dandy we wouldn't ever feel like we needed Him. Struggles is when you find yourself and when you find out exactly who God is. I wish I knew what God has in plan for me. Why am I so tenderhearted? Why do I love animals, which is weird? Why can't I ever seem to feel accepted anywhere I go? Why did my dad leave? Why does my mom have to have everything on her?

I'm hurting pretty bad today, and last night probably wasn't the best night. One day I will realize why all this is happening but right now, I have no idea. I just have to believe and have faith that God knows what He is doing. As for right now, taking it one day at a time is probably the best thing I can do..