Change.

I never thought it’d happen to me. I never thought I would get the statement your dad left. I can never keep it out of my mind that if I would have done something different it wouldn’t be this way. If I wouldn’t have wanted to go to a public school then change to a private school. If I would have stayed where I was would everything have been okay? Would my Nana still be alive if dad and mommy would have stayed together? Would Meme still be alive if Wendy and Jimmy wouldn’t have gotten killed? Would she still be alive if I had not gone to see that stupid movie The Last Exorcism? Would she still want me as a friend if I wouldn’t have spoken my mind? I wish I was smarter. I wish I could figure these things out. They haunt me day in and day out. I wish they would be answered. Everyone tells me everything happens for a reason.. If I take that into context then I was punished for going to see the last exorcism so my Meme died. If I take that into context I doubted and lost faith in God then a day before my Nana died I gave everything to God. What if I had done that one day sooner? Would she still be here? I miss having a grandmother. I know I have a granddad that is good beyond measure but still.. Sometimes I miss that female talk between grandmother and granddaughter. Like going to get manicures and pedicures together; going shopping for your grandfather a present. I know I am looking at the negatives but I just don’t understand sometimes. Maybe this is my time in waiting for God to show. Maybe this is a punishment for not going to church and pulling away from God because I don’t want to get hurt. Maybe just maybe if I quit thinking nothing would hurt as much. People say: I don’t understand why you are so hurt about your parents splitting and all I want to say is because they are my parents. Yes, it is a whole lot better around the house, yes its better with the stress level. But, no it’s not okay inside. I feel hurt, I feel like there is no hope in marriage because it’s just going to end in divorce. Every time I get a rejection from a guy it hurts ten times worse because all I want it a relationship. There. I said it. I want someone to love me for me. not because they are family. I want someone to choose to look passed the face; to look passed the outside to look passed how long my hair is. I want someone to see how I am on the inside. People always say I choose the ugliest guys. Yeah, I do because most of the time the most attractive ones are snobby and stuck up because they think that just because they are hot they have to have the “hot” girls; the ones who are a size 0, who have blonde hair, who are not too tall, who have big boobs, and have perfectly straight hair. Well you know what I don’t have any of that. Nope, so I get punished because all these guys are so dumb that they want the outside; and it irritates me. I know I am supposed to wait for God to give me a guy when I am ready; but it just makes me so jealous that all these pretty girls get any guy they want. I want a guy to look at me and say you’re beautiful. I want a guy to love me. I guess I just have to wait. It’s extremely hard.. unfortunately. I wish I would have never had a boyfriend so I wouldn’t know what it was like. I remember dating a non-Christian and my dad getting mad at me for breaking up with him. He said that it was marriage that you’re not supposed to be unequally yoked. It upset me that he didn’t support my decision. Sometimes I think that it is so cool just to have a mom and brother in the house, but I miss the number 4. Four cups to eat with, four plates, four chairs. It’s so different. Everything is changing and I don’t know if I like it yet.