Heartbroken..

Everything feels as if it is getting worse. People say that it will get easier and that I will be okay but you know what? I don’t feel it. I don’t feel as if everything will be okay. I don’t feel as if everything will get easier. I have the whole in my heart that won’t go away. All I want to do now is cry and nothing makes it go away. I laugh and then it comes back. I have a stupid moment then the pain comes back. I wake up in the morning and want to go back to bed, I don’t want to face the day, I don’t want to get up out of the bed. I feel like a baby in the world; I don’t know if it will be a good day or a bad day until I go to talk or say “good morning” and if I cry it will be a bad day.. sometimes I wish I could be understood; and if I cry nothing can be said to change my attitude.. I try to think positive and try to make the best of every situation but to be honest I cannot make a good situation out of this. I can not think positive. I dread Sundays and Wednesday because I know I need to go to church but to be honest I just don’t want to.. I just want to lay in bed. I am weak I know. I hate love stories and love movies.. I love hearing about people and how happy they are with their significant other because it gives me the hope that hopefully and maybe I will find someone who wants me and will love me, treat me like I want to be treated. Right now, I am not ready for a relationship. I want one but I know that I do not want it for the right reasons. I will want it to see if it can heal this heart. I know God is the only one who can heal me but where is He? Why won’t He take this pain away? Why is this happening? Why do I just want to cry? Today, my dad came to see me.. I didn’t want to see him to begin with but when I see him I feel happy but I can not stand to see him leave. My heart feels like it falls out of my stomach when I do. I just want to feel happy. I want everything to be back to normal. I want my mom and dad to be back together. I want my heart to feel like a full heart not a billion pieced one. I want to feel wanted and know that when times get tough we will stick together as a family and not just split up. I want to know that God will make this feel better. I know I need to trust God, but its hard. I am afraid someone else is going to leave me. I am afraid that they will use me. I am ready for a new change. I am ready to go ahead and move, I am ready for my stuff to be packed up. I am ready for people to understand me again. I want to be able to talk to someone and they can imagine how I feel. How they feel when they come home and nothing is the same as what they are used to.. to be able to talk to and just let me cry on their shoulder and hold me and not let go. All I do is cry.. once I stop I cant stop then I look like a baby who wants milk; like a baby who didn’t get a toy.. I am ready to cut my tear ducts out and not be able to cry anymore. My eyes become dry from the loss of tears. School is kicking my butt. I can’t pass an English test if it was between life and death. I have to write my testimony and I have no idea how to begin much less what to put in there. I have a HUGE Spanish test Thursday along with 2 english tests on Tuesday plus a paper due on Tuesday and a paper due on Wednesday. I feel like my brain is going to completely explode.. like I am going to school for nothing because I am going to end up failing atleast 2 classes. I know everyone has the same thing due and all but I just feel oh so overwhelmed. I feel as if nothing will like I will be busy and stressed for the rest of my life & more.